Being a pediatrician didn't leave room for space preparations or extreme sports, Martian children come first. 🐣
But then Hilary introduced me to her "Mars training": roller coasters with "infused frozen water therapy." I thought she meant frozen margaritas. Very wrong.🍸
So picture this: Canada's Wonderland, mid summer afternoon, we're in line for a rollercoaster. Hilary's leaning against the railing looking completely exhausted already.
Hilary: "Hey Glassford, do me a favor? Rub this cube on my back until it melts. I'm feeling a little... tense."
Me: Hilary, we literally just got here. You haven't been on a single ride yet! Are you okay? 🥲
Hilary: (handing me a translucent cube that's definitely not regular frozen water) "Just trust me. Keep rubbing until it's completely dissolved." 🫠
Me: (suspiciously) What is this, exactly?
Hilary: "Essential oils, mineral infusion, some things from my Mars simulation kit. Don't overthink it, just rub." ☺️
So there I am, rubbing this mysterious dry cube across her shoulders and spine, and as it melts this intoxicating scent releases, Lavender? Eucalyptus? Something that makes my brain feel like it's floating three feet above my skull. The cube keeps melting, my hands keep moving, and I'm getting completely lost in the rhythm of it. 😇
Hilary: (turning around with that knowing smile) "Feels nice, doesn't it? You want the same treatment?"
Me: (already half gone) I... what?
Hilary: "Your arms and legs. For the G-forces. Trust me."
Next thing I know, she's running these cubes along my forearms, my calves, these slow deliberate circles that have absolutely nothing to do with ride preparation and everything to do with 💚
Me: (barely coherent) Hilary, the line's moving...
Hilary: "Shh. Almost done."
We finally get on the rollercoaster. The restraints lock. We climb that first hill. And that's the last thing I remember clearly.
I don't know if it was the scent, the drops, the loops, or the way her hand found mine during the corkscrews, but somewhere between the second inversion and the final turn, I completely lost consciousness. 😵
When I came to, we were in a parked car that felt exactly like that tiny squash court I mentioned before, cramped, hot, windows completely fogged, both of us drenched in sweat and pressed against each other in ways that definitely weren't about G-force recovery anymore. 🎑
We were still catching our breath when someone knocked on the window.
Paramount Security Guard: "Folks, you need to have your parking validation displayed. Also... this is a family park."
Turns out we'd been in the parking lot for forty five minutes with no clothes!
Guess what? Hilary pulled out her wallet for a public display citation, paid without hesitation, and whispered:
Hilary: "Worth every dollar. Same time next week?"
Me: (still dizzy, still confused, still completely under her spell) I... yes?
And that's how I learned Hilary doesn't simulate Mars travel.
She creates her own gravity. 💌🧡
