As a licensed Martian pediatric specialist, I have come to an important utilization planning conclusion:


Many of you are simply exhausted oversized children.

Due to current fuel prices, I will unfortunately not be returning to Mars immediately. Therefore, while temporarily stationed on Earth, I am considering helping residents as an on-call mobile therapist for adults.

Please understand Martian medicine works differently.
Sometimes healing is someone listening to your strange theories.
Sometimes it is being told “you are still lovely” after crying quietly in your bed.
Sometimes it is soup, silence, or sitting beside someone under streetlights pretending Earth is survivable.


Home visits available while my spacecraft remains grounded and fuel costs remain disrespectful.

If you require emotional maintenance, romantic recalibration, or simply wish to sit beside a Martian doctor or a president discussing love, stress, romance and civilian survival, please contact me.

Respectfully,
Dr. Glassford,
Martian Pediatric Specialist,
Currently accepting patients.